My One and Only
by Little Rachael
Summary: Despite her bright, cheerful appearance, Minako is in more pain than any of the other soldiers.


_Your love will never be returned._

I will never forget what that person said to me. Even though it was probably just his way of forever engraving himself into my memory, it continues to haunt me every time I fall in love. It's not fair-his words shouldn't have this impact on me when such a long time has passed.

I tried so hard to be a normal girl. I so desperately wanted to be. I wanted to go on dates and fall in love. And I wanted my biggest worries to be about exams. I wanted to live freely, openly, for _myself_.

But I never got that chance.

It happened all so quickly. Why did my first love have to coincide with my recruitment as a sailor soldier? Why couldn't I have just a _little _time to follow my dreams?

The more apparent it became that I would never live anything close to a normal life, the more I resisted. I fell in and out of love many times. I went to auditions. I tried with all my might to be the one thing I knew I could not. I tried to convince myself that I could somehow juggle my duties as a soldier with my own selfish dreams of having a boyfriend and becoming an idol.

But in the end, everything came back to _her_.

Sometimes I still resent her for it. Why should I do this? Why does she get to be the one who lives happily ever after with her prince charming? Why do I have to give so much of myself to protect someone when I'm not even number one in her heart?

I wish she were more selfish. Maybe then I could leave her. I could quit being a soldier and follow my own dreams. I could forget all about her and find someone who lived for _me_. I could be the center of someone's universe.

Sometimes, when no one else is around, I lose it completely. I scream and cry and throw a huge tantrum. I hit and throw things. I tell her how much I hate her. How much I wish she never existed. I give in to all my childish feelings. My id runs free, enjoying every selfish, spiteful, greedy moment of it. I scream until I'm hoarse, and flail my limbs until I'm exhausted.

Then, I fall onto my bed and cry.

I wonder if the other girls go through this. Are all of us bound by something that runs even deeper than duty? Or am I just unlucky?

I've come close to saying it several times. Not to her, of course. Never to her. But to Artemis, or one of the girls. Something keeps holding me back.

I think Artemis knows. Oh, he hasn't said anything, but I can tell. He knows when I'm in one of my "moods," and is always mysteriously absent when I have a tantrum. I know he'll pretend to know nothing until I tell him.

Someday, I think I will. I'm going to have to tell somebody, or I'm going to explode.

I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her. I'm in love with my princess. With Serenity. With Tsukino Usagi-chan.

I love her so much, my heart feels like it's going to burst from the pain. I know she's not into girls. I know she has Mamoru-san. I know that if she were to fall in love with me, the future that we've worked so hard to protect would disappear. Chibiusa-chan would never be born, and I would hate myself for that. But none of that matters, because she only has eyes for Mamoru-san.

I'm such a horrible, selfish person. Usagi-chan loves me like a best friend, and her love is the most giving, unselfish love that anyone could hope for. But that's not enough for me to be happy. I want all of her love. I want to be number one in her heart.

I wonder if anyone in the world could be more wretched than I feel right now. I'm not free to love anyone, but I gave up on that a long time ago. All I want now is to be free to _not love._

_Is that why? Because I'm the goddess of love? Is that what dooms me to love someone, even if it's hopeless? If that's the reason, then there truly is no one on earth who understands me. It is my fate to eternally yearn for love, but never feel the touch of a lover's hand or lips. To go to sleep every night without a warm body lying next to mine. To never be somebody's number one. To be more alone than anybody else in the world._

_Sometimes, this feeling is so painful I could die. But loving her also gives me more joy than anything else. When I'm with her, I feel more alive than I ever was without her. When something I do or say makes her smile, I feel like I could take on the biggest, baddest enemy with my bare hands. I feel like I can do anything if it's for her sake. _

_Maybe my love really is hopeless. But she is my source of strength. I am a proud fighter and the leader of the guardian soldiers. I may not be her number one, but I am her closest friend and her foremost protector. I am Venus, the goddess who blesses and watches over her most innocent and boundless love for all._

_I rub my eyes and rise from my bed, filled with the energy of my strengthened resolve. I open my door, run down the hall, find Artemis and tease him a bit, then give him a big hug to show that I'm only joking. Mom yells at me for being noisy, and I go outside so I can run and shout to my heart's content. Maybe I'll run into one of the girls, and we can see a movie or go to the park. Or maybe I'll just scope out some cute guys and try for a date. It never hurts to try!_

_I'm Aino Minako-chan, the goddess of love and beauty. And no matter what happens, I'll never give up on life!_

_END_


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